Her Singing Tears Me Up

Lauren and Her Chocolate Fountain

Listening to: Santa Monica High School Chorale

Tears slowly roll down my cheeks when my Lauren sings. In the beginning, I tried to hide my tears by subtly wiping the corners of my eyes. I tried to hide my shallow weeping and sniffles...silent mini sobs trying to be held in check by tightening my ample tummy.

I couldn't and still can't stop when she sings. Even now, remembering, I tear up as I write.

It started six years ago as she strode onto the very same risers upon which I had stood 37 years earlier as a lanky seventh grade kid and opened my mouth for the first time in Boys' Chorus.

Lauren rose from her seat in unison with her choir mates, stepped onto and strode the wooden risers and sang her heart out. And that's when it happened! By precious daughter made me weep and her heart stole mine.

Her first performance was the first of many in which she triggered my streams of tears.

I quietly wept as she touched my heart and turned her old man into mush. Her mouth shaping sounds in the way she had been trained. The tilt of her head. The joy in her face. Her intensity in performing to the best of her ability, achieving excellence. Staring intently at her choir director not once glancing away. Until song's end. And then it happened.

Our eyes met and she gifted me with her gloriously sweet smile. I tried to smile back but don't think I managed, my prideful smile probably looking more like a pained grimace...the edges of my mouth turned downward in my hopeless attempt to dam the flow.

My heart was filled...bursting with joy and pride and love and every one of the deepest possible feelings a dad can have for his amazing daughter. My tears flowed mightily, as salty as the Pacific.

I think that's when I first knew I had to create a secret signal to send Lauren's way on stage when I was too much of a mess to make my feelings clear by doing something normal, like smiling at her. After each song, I placed my hand over my heart while tears moistened my cheeks. She sent back beautiful smiles from her pretty face and my heart embraced them as we connected in these special daddy daughter moments.

Lauren sings and I weep. That's the way it's been since 9th grade and is to this day at her university choir concerts. She's known it and I hope she still knows. She hears it in my blubbering voice and when I pull her close after her concerts too choked up to speak like a normal person.

Lauren's heart, her soul, her singing touch me in a deep place only a loving, tenderhearted daughter can reach.

This is her gift to me. She speaks to me and I receive each gift with open tear ducts. I love her and am so very thankful!

Lauren, even as you mature, you will always be my little girl and I will forever be listening for your beautiful voice.

Love,

Daddy